Remember I said that this long weekend's been exceptionally meaningful cause I got to catch up with a couple of long-time no see friends? Yeah, today just added meaning on a whole new level. It's extremely accomplishing, to say. So my morning jog failed, because I was too lazy to wake up plus part of me knew that it was going to rain, cozied up in my bed, with the air-con turned on and the curtains still drawn closed. Yeah, I think I can tell the weather without looking. Sarcasm. But that kinda reminds me of the bimbo in Mean Girls who can tell the weather by squeezing her own boobs. Haha, funny.

I got distracted. Anyway, I woke up eventually at 11am, looked out of the curtains to find it raining, and went "oh well, I'll finish up watching True Grit, which I left halfway when I had to leave for dinner with my family on Saturday. We went to The Ship at nex, after all the big hoo-haa and after a few months of having not much time to go there. The steak was expensive, but I don't think it was that awesome. I'd actually think Jack's Place's better. They don't need to waste extra money on spirits to make the beef taste better.

So by the time I finished True Grit, it wasn't raining anymore. Cloudy, cool air - best time for taking photographs. Yes, contrary to popular beliefs, landscape photographs actually look better under cloudy sunlight rather than one which is blasting all over your skin. I'm not a photographer at all, but I think that much I know. So there, I crossed out one thing on my short-term To Do list. I went to the park outside my house (it's actually behind Cedar Girl's, which is totally not "outside my house" but I'll just like to call it that. It's the absolutely awe-smacking buckle-whacking hill that I discovered while running around the neighbourhood, around June of JC2, if my memory doesn't fail me. I set it down on stone that I'll go there to take photos one day, before all this beauty gets demolished for buildings and shit in twenty, thirty years. It was... awesome. I could think of alternative vocabulary but honestly, awesome fits it the best. It was like as if heaven wants me to be taking photos there, because this one plane kept flying around above the hill for at least ten times over, and I got it in some of my photos. And then after the plane left, two domestic dogs ran up the hill while I was taking photos of the tiny lalangs. Really cute pair. Intelligent as well, I gather, because the owner dared let them out to run along the track alone. I took advantage of the absence of their owner. I played with them a bit, but always kept a small distance because I'm not the kind who would hug and fondle stray pets. They were like blessings sent from heaven. Bloody hell photos of two carefree dogs running around a fantastic, gorgeous hill. I think my photos can probably fetch an award or something. No, completely kidding. I don't have the skills, but I tell you if some practiced photographer was there at the moment, I can swear the pictures can fetch awards. I'll post a few selected ones tomorrow after I sort the 200 photos out. I'm supposed to meet the Hs at 6PM but it's already 6.31PM. But sorry guys, this is a bit important to me. I'm sure you guys will understand right! I've hardly had so much to blog about besides my life in NS.

I went out again after a bath, to collect the two pairs of pants I altered at Penin. Bloody hell they are good. This pair of orange / brown pants I bought from ASOS. Awesome woo-hoo. Yes, bringing the other pair of never-worn-before River Island jeans was in my To Do list as well. And then, I skipped over to Adelphi to get a pair of headphones since my left in-ear was annoying me extremely badly in the morning while I was taking photographs, going on and off and loud and soft. It was a kind of last-minute decision which popped up in my head after I collected my altered pants. Which makes it even the more golden. Anyway, since asking for recommendations in JC, I've heard at least five people encouraging me to go to a certain shop named Jaben. Located at level four, I went there today and was extremely pleasantly surprised. I would now really fucking recommend it to anyone who's looking for headphones, in-ear and all sorts of things you plug into your head for music. I really have to head out soon so I don't have much time to horse around with you, but I'll give you a quick review.

Basically, you step into the shop, tell the shopkeeper what you're looking for, your budget and what you're particular about - vocals, bass or any type of crackling metal sounds you want. Take a seat at one of the many chairs in front of the counters, plug in their recommendations into your iPod and then you can try out their earphones for as long as you want. Like Ollivander's. The thing that is impressive is that they are extremely patient with you. Not like I could really test their patience cause I was in a hurry, so I was in the shop for less than ten minutes. But then a few more customers entered after me, the shop was full up and they didn't have enough seats. They attended to them, were polite and asked them if they minded standing up, and most of all they didn't put on that dinner-time waiter face. That "oh shit I'm so busy" face, the "run around, look extremely rushed but in fact do nothing much" kind of actions, the unconscious double in volume of speech that most people tend to have. I'll admit that I'm guilty for that. You act busy as a waiter during peak hours so hopefully the customers will be more understanding and quit asking you for iced water. And then, to top it off, they are extremely nice in giving you free stuff. I didn't even ask for anything, it's only my first time but they threw in a headphone amplifier to my purchase. It's not like I'll use it, but a free gift IS a free gift. And it came as a pleasant surprise when the cashier said "that'll be $50" because the other guy told me it was "about $65". And LOL it wasn't a mix-up. If that's what you're thinking. So yeah. Jaben's your first choice. That's not a typo - I'm making that decision for you.

And see, that's another thing off my To Do list. Three things in one day, that must be the most I've had. I can't wait to edit the photos tomorrow. I'm going to Phuture again today. It better be good cause I've a lot of (personal) reasons to stay home right now. And Zee Avi's new album Ghostbird's just released. It's real brilliant.

P.S. Best Fries Forever doesn't taste so "Best-Forever" when it's cold.

"Yeah yeah" and it's okay, "yeah yeah" and I'm alright. Phuture yesterday was packed like atoms in a molecule [acknowledge the scientific reference - I still have some brains], pushed around when a beeline tries to make their way in / out of the crowd at the centre. So tightly packed I hardly had space to move my hands around. Not a good experience. I stole my brother's Dr. Martens for the night, he's a full size smaller than me, and I completely regretted it. I looked taller, sure, but fuck when I took out my toes and examined it when I got home, they looked half-black. And I was sober. And then the cab driver fucking sped on the highway I almost vomited, for the first time, because of alcohol. I didn't in the end, but it wasn't a good feeling keeping it inside as well. Phuture used to be my favourite, Butter for ladies' night. Now, for at least many more months, I'm not going to be able to go for any ladies' night, and yesterday's completely ruined Phuture in my impression. Going again tomorrow because Gavin the VVIP's back in Singapore, so maybe I'll enjoy Phuture a lot more when everything's more or less free. I'll update you.

But still, these few day's been pretty... meaningful. Got to see a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time - Puayying, Nicole, Freda, the few guys from Raven platoon 4.

My enciks (company warrant officers) recommended me for crossover to OCS a couple weeks ago, I went for the panel interview last week and today talked to Chengwei about it at the platoon gath. The results aren't out yet, so it's too early to speculate - who knows, after all this talk maybe I wouldn't even get in - but I can't help the thoughts from pouring. To be honest, somehow the more I talk about it the more it comes back to me that I don't want to be in OCS. With a bit more determination, I could even have added an "at all" at the end of the previous sentence. I think back about it and I don't even recall why I said yes at first. I remembered my actually answer was "I really don't know" but I had to choose between yes or no so I picked the safer. I think the decision was pretty much cowardly - cause the other choices facing me are (most likely) recce or infantry pro-term, cause the enciks told me it's a rare and golden opportunity, cause the faculty instructors saw it in me and I didn't want to disappoint them. I'm really going to miss the section badly. Maybe as bad as how I missed the section in BMT, but probably a lot more - because this time, if I'm going over, I'm going over alone (with Posh [yes, that's his real name], but there's an extremely low chance we'll be buddies). I haven't really openly said it, but the stereotypical OCS cadet disgusts me. I say that with completely no offense to anyone who isn't the same, anyone who's my friend. Only, I don't think the stereotype is merely a stereotype. Some things have to occur so often, so often that they could really be taken as truth before people spread them. I hate those who are so extremely proud and cocky that they are in OCS, that it's become the only thing they talk about, like OCS is all they have ever had in life. That's when so many of them don't have the calibre to be real leaders in life, or shall I say, to actually be losers in life. I hate those who commission to scold and assert authority over complete strangers who walk past them but not give them the proper salute. In fact, the only reason why they constantly need to assert the "rank" authority over others is a timid and badly punctured ego because they aren't respected by people they actually command, people who knows them. I don't quite like posh doo-doos as well, which there's a chance many of them are.

Chengwei tries to convince me that isn't the case. And I'll really give him that, but I still have reservations. I'll really try to not think about all these now - to worry later, only after I'm certain I'm in. But there's one effective thing I can work on. Something I learnt from what he was telling me. To create a goal. I'm quite certain I've lost my goal for these two years of my life since I came into SCS. I want to wake up to jog tomorrow. I'll start with accomplishing that first.

I think I might have to reiterate that I'm merely reflective, not emo. I'll prove it with a funny gif. It's time my blog got some stuff other than words anyway.

I just realised that I've merely had close to eight hours of sleep for the past three nights. Fighting against the real heavy eyelids now, to say a few things. To be honest, I think if I'd actually go back to read my posts since I've enlisted, I'll probably notice a lot of similarities between them. Life has kinda stopped that way. I looked through my "exits" page and just deleted about more than half the links off my list. It's quite a shame though, that people hardly blog anymore. Or maybe they are all using private blogs, or twitter, which I'll never get. Twitter and such short messaging will never be able to express what I want to share. The word limit will be always too short. But then since such things happened, I've been feeling increasingly lonely. My reluctance to strike up meetings with others (a bit of laziness, fear of rejection and lack of time combined) resulted in some empty weekends. Like as if life in NS wasn't bland enough already. The mind craves some activities but the body doesn't really, I guess. I used to read my friend's blogs - get a glimpse and stay in the loop on what's going on with my friends, their lives etc, but now almost every page's a deleted blog or one which had accumulated probably a year of dust from the previous post. I wonder if anyone still reads this as well, guess removing my tag-board just made this place more empty. But I'll still continue irregardless, it's still important to me as a personal history.

I think I gotta start taking things more easily. I've been extremely moody during field camp the past week. I even took to scolding people for being "fucking stupid" right in front of their faces. Probably made a few enemies through that, so I think I gotta calm down and think. I mean, to be honest, it's not even such a great deal actually - to do things at their own pace, take things slowly. I talked to my brother about it and only then realised what I was becoming. One of those GGG (guys gone garang - an acronym I just created in the seconds before this) who will probably become a hated commander in the months to come after graduation. I'm afraid NS is taking over my life, and I've got to do some damage control now.

I really miss the 09S65 classmates, the other random 4E classmate I haven't seen since graduation at year four, my VJC CCA mates and even less attached groups of friends like the Creudor OGLs and more. I swear, a simple gathering alone with any of them would make a great day, because I felt like ever since I've enlisted I've only managed to keep in touch with a handful of friends, and then like sand in your hand, those you don't try to keep in grasp, those further away from the protection of you palms will slowly escape and fall through the holes between your fingers - finally leaving you with only so much to hold on to. It's time to stop procrastinating and start to plan some gatherings I guess.

I fell sick with fever today when I woke up. Must have been the lack of sleep on Thursday and the outfield exhaustion yesterday. The past two days were one of my worst in SCS so far - extremely packed outfield activities, a complete lack of sleep, and because my encik (platoon warrant officer) made me the leader platoon sergeant for the past two days, an extremely packed schedule and a load of mental stress. I would think I could have managed the responsibility, but then the unfortunate death of a specialist cadet in intelligence on Tuesday night during a navigation exercise made the HQ cancel all physical activities on Wednesday. We did our full day navigation exercise on Thursday, I slept after 2am, and then on Friday (a day we are all supposed to book-out on) we squeezed two days of activities into one. The miscommunication between the enciks themselves made things worse - on these days when activities needed to be quickly re-planned because of the Wednesday hiccup. We booked out on Friday, being literally shoved onto the bus out by our CWO at almost 11pm. I couldn't get to brief the rest on everything that was planned. All the things to prepare for before field camp next week, which starts the morning after our book-in on Tuesday this week.  I cannot stand the entire messiness of it all. I hate to do things halfway, but the schedule forced me right into it. I thought it would be enjoyable to take leadership of my peers, but then the army doesn't let you take complete leadership. Of the things I could possibly arrange, there are yet so many others who resist and have their own plans, people of higher authority. So I hated it. I fear the thought of returning back to camp on Tuesday and having to be LPS for that night and Wednesday. But I have a long weekend. I will just focus on getting well and enjoying it. I don't want to bother myself about how to say specific commands and other things military.

I spent my evening today at Chinatown, reading Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins, a sequel to The Hunger Games, which you must really read. It's been one of the only books which I've read since Harry Potter that kept my hands glued on it. I mean, ask my bunk mates and you'll understand. I'm reading it in bed, in the spare ten minutes I have to change into my smart four, and when I wake up, risking to be late for first parade. It's really interesting. And amidst all the survival techniques, hunting in the woods - quite apt for reading during NS. At some parts of the story I actually feel the character, and so much resonates with what I'm doing - all the outfield, camouflage and jungle. I can't help but feel some uncanny similarity between Katniss and the tributes being under the control of the Capitol, to us NSFs under the Army. Okay, it's not that exaggerated, but some things do resound in my head.

I took an hour to walk around Raffles Place and Chinatown today after reading, which felt good. The cool night air blowing down on my face, I can't help but remember all the times I've spent here. The many times I've studied till the Tully's staff mops the floor and packs up the cafe. The empty streets of the CBD and the closed rows of shops under the cultural preservation of the shop houses at China Square, colourful and intricate. I recall the first time I discovered the place with my cousin and my brother. I remember bringing many friends there for studying sessions - Wenxin, Suwen, Kelly, Ian, Daniel, Ivan and Alvina. And so many of the long walks I took after days which I studied alone.

I tried to think about things, about life as I always did. I used to walk around in the night to think about life a lot, to reflect back on the events surrounding my life, to plan my future ahead with big, lofty dreams, but now NS has almost taken all of it away. I didn't realise it till I tried to do the usual I did - walking around the same quiet CBD after the office workers have left for home, listening to artists like The Morning Benders, Mumford & Sons, Jack Johnson, Zee Avi and Ingrid Michaelson, seeing the same familiar buildings. But it was different. My mind's empty. All the lofty plans vanished while things in my life are becoming more and more uneventful, the past trickling away. Basically, my life has become meaningless since National Service. Last week I wrote out a list of things I could do on my weekends, because I start to fear that I'll just lose two years to NS, just like that, but the list comes out to be extremely vague. Things like learning the ukulele and painting which I know I'll hardly ever start on. In a snap, two youthful years taken away from me. What I'm most afraid of is that I'll no longer be the same, no longer thinking, reflecting, losing my ideas of the future and creativity. I'm not even sketching anymore. I'm just hoping things would settle down soon, settle into something more routine perhaps, so I could get time and no longer while it away in NS like that.

Remember I said that this long weekend's been exceptionally meaningful cause I got to catch up with a couple of long-time no see friends? Yeah, today just added meaning on a whole new level. It's extremely accomplishing, to say. So my morning jog failed, because I was too lazy to wake up plus part of me knew that it was going to rain, cozied up in my bed, with the air-con turned on and the curtains still drawn closed. Yeah, I think I can tell the weather without looking. Sarcasm. But that kinda reminds me of the bimbo in Mean Girls who can tell the weather by squeezing her own boobs. Haha, funny.

I got distracted. Anyway, I woke up eventually at 11am, looked out of the curtains to find it raining, and went "oh well, I'll finish up watching True Grit, which I left halfway when I had to leave for dinner with my family on Saturday. We went to The Ship at nex, after all the big hoo-haa and after a few months of having not much time to go there. The steak was expensive, but I don't think it was that awesome. I'd actually think Jack's Place's better. They don't need to waste extra money on spirits to make the beef taste better.

So by the time I finished True Grit, it wasn't raining anymore. Cloudy, cool air - best time for taking photographs. Yes, contrary to popular beliefs, landscape photographs actually look better under cloudy sunlight rather than one which is blasting all over your skin. I'm not a photographer at all, but I think that much I know. So there, I crossed out one thing on my short-term To Do list. I went to the park outside my house (it's actually behind Cedar Girl's, which is totally not "outside my house" but I'll just like to call it that. It's the absolutely awe-smacking buckle-whacking hill that I discovered while running around the neighbourhood, around June of JC2, if my memory doesn't fail me. I set it down on stone that I'll go there to take photos one day, before all this beauty gets demolished for buildings and shit in twenty, thirty years. It was... awesome. I could think of alternative vocabulary but honestly, awesome fits it the best. It was like as if heaven wants me to be taking photos there, because this one plane kept flying around above the hill for at least ten times over, and I got it in some of my photos. And then after the plane left, two domestic dogs ran up the hill while I was taking photos of the tiny lalangs. Really cute pair. Intelligent as well, I gather, because the owner dared let them out to run along the track alone. I took advantage of the absence of their owner. I played with them a bit, but always kept a small distance because I'm not the kind who would hug and fondle stray pets. They were like blessings sent from heaven. Bloody hell photos of two carefree dogs running around a fantastic, gorgeous hill. I think my photos can probably fetch an award or something. No, completely kidding. I don't have the skills, but I tell you if some practiced photographer was there at the moment, I can swear the pictures can fetch awards. I'll post a few selected ones tomorrow after I sort the 200 photos out. I'm supposed to meet the Hs at 6PM but it's already 6.31PM. But sorry guys, this is a bit important to me. I'm sure you guys will understand right! I've hardly had so much to blog about besides my life in NS.

I went out again after a bath, to collect the two pairs of pants I altered at Penin. Bloody hell they are good. This pair of orange / brown pants I bought from ASOS. Awesome woo-hoo. Yes, bringing the other pair of never-worn-before River Island jeans was in my To Do list as well. And then, I skipped over to Adelphi to get a pair of headphones since my left in-ear was annoying me extremely badly in the morning while I was taking photographs, going on and off and loud and soft. It was a kind of last-minute decision which popped up in my head after I collected my altered pants. Which makes it even the more golden. Anyway, since asking for recommendations in JC, I've heard at least five people encouraging me to go to a certain shop named Jaben. Located at level four, I went there today and was extremely pleasantly surprised. I would now really fucking recommend it to anyone who's looking for headphones, in-ear and all sorts of things you plug into your head for music. I really have to head out soon so I don't have much time to horse around with you, but I'll give you a quick review.

Basically, you step into the shop, tell the shopkeeper what you're looking for, your budget and what you're particular about - vocals, bass or any type of crackling metal sounds you want. Take a seat at one of the many chairs in front of the counters, plug in their recommendations into your iPod and then you can try out their earphones for as long as you want. Like Ollivander's. The thing that is impressive is that they are extremely patient with you. Not like I could really test their patience cause I was in a hurry, so I was in the shop for less than ten minutes. But then a few more customers entered after me, the shop was full up and they didn't have enough seats. They attended to them, were polite and asked them if they minded standing up, and most of all they didn't put on that dinner-time waiter face. That "oh shit I'm so busy" face, the "run around, look extremely rushed but in fact do nothing much" kind of actions, the unconscious double in volume of speech that most people tend to have. I'll admit that I'm guilty for that. You act busy as a waiter during peak hours so hopefully the customers will be more understanding and quit asking you for iced water. And then, to top it off, they are extremely nice in giving you free stuff. I didn't even ask for anything, it's only my first time but they threw in a headphone amplifier to my purchase. It's not like I'll use it, but a free gift IS a free gift. And it came as a pleasant surprise when the cashier said "that'll be $50" because the other guy told me it was "about $65". And LOL it wasn't a mix-up. If that's what you're thinking. So yeah. Jaben's your first choice. That's not a typo - I'm making that decision for you.

And see, that's another thing off my To Do list. Three things in one day, that must be the most I've had. I can't wait to edit the photos tomorrow. I'm going to Phuture again today. It better be good cause I've a lot of (personal) reasons to stay home right now. And Zee Avi's new album Ghostbird's just released. It's real brilliant.

P.S. Best Fries Forever doesn't taste so "Best-Forever" when it's cold.

"Yeah yeah" and it's okay, "yeah yeah" and I'm alright. Phuture yesterday was packed like atoms in a molecule [acknowledge the scientific reference - I still have some brains], pushed around when a beeline tries to make their way in / out of the crowd at the centre. So tightly packed I hardly had space to move my hands around. Not a good experience. I stole my brother's Dr. Martens for the night, he's a full size smaller than me, and I completely regretted it. I looked taller, sure, but fuck when I took out my toes and examined it when I got home, they looked half-black. And I was sober. And then the cab driver fucking sped on the highway I almost vomited, for the first time, because of alcohol. I didn't in the end, but it wasn't a good feeling keeping it inside as well. Phuture used to be my favourite, Butter for ladies' night. Now, for at least many more months, I'm not going to be able to go for any ladies' night, and yesterday's completely ruined Phuture in my impression. Going again tomorrow because Gavin the VVIP's back in Singapore, so maybe I'll enjoy Phuture a lot more when everything's more or less free. I'll update you.

But still, these few day's been pretty... meaningful. Got to see a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time - Puayying, Nicole, Freda, the few guys from Raven platoon 4.

My enciks (company warrant officers) recommended me for crossover to OCS a couple weeks ago, I went for the panel interview last week and today talked to Chengwei about it at the platoon gath. The results aren't out yet, so it's too early to speculate - who knows, after all this talk maybe I wouldn't even get in - but I can't help the thoughts from pouring. To be honest, somehow the more I talk about it the more it comes back to me that I don't want to be in OCS. With a bit more determination, I could even have added an "at all" at the end of the previous sentence. I think back about it and I don't even recall why I said yes at first. I remembered my actually answer was "I really don't know" but I had to choose between yes or no so I picked the safer. I think the decision was pretty much cowardly - cause the other choices facing me are (most likely) recce or infantry pro-term, cause the enciks told me it's a rare and golden opportunity, cause the faculty instructors saw it in me and I didn't want to disappoint them. I'm really going to miss the section badly. Maybe as bad as how I missed the section in BMT, but probably a lot more - because this time, if I'm going over, I'm going over alone (with Posh [yes, that's his real name], but there's an extremely low chance we'll be buddies). I haven't really openly said it, but the stereotypical OCS cadet disgusts me. I say that with completely no offense to anyone who isn't the same, anyone who's my friend. Only, I don't think the stereotype is merely a stereotype. Some things have to occur so often, so often that they could really be taken as truth before people spread them. I hate those who are so extremely proud and cocky that they are in OCS, that it's become the only thing they talk about, like OCS is all they have ever had in life. That's when so many of them don't have the calibre to be real leaders in life, or shall I say, to actually be losers in life. I hate those who commission to scold and assert authority over complete strangers who walk past them but not give them the proper salute. In fact, the only reason why they constantly need to assert the "rank" authority over others is a timid and badly punctured ego because they aren't respected by people they actually command, people who knows them. I don't quite like posh doo-doos as well, which there's a chance many of them are.

Chengwei tries to convince me that isn't the case. And I'll really give him that, but I still have reservations. I'll really try to not think about all these now - to worry later, only after I'm certain I'm in. But there's one effective thing I can work on. Something I learnt from what he was telling me. To create a goal. I'm quite certain I've lost my goal for these two years of my life since I came into SCS. I want to wake up to jog tomorrow. I'll start with accomplishing that first.

I think I might have to reiterate that I'm merely reflective, not emo. I'll prove it with a funny gif. It's time my blog got some stuff other than words anyway.

I just realised that I've merely had close to eight hours of sleep for the past three nights. Fighting against the real heavy eyelids now, to say a few things. To be honest, I think if I'd actually go back to read my posts since I've enlisted, I'll probably notice a lot of similarities between them. Life has kinda stopped that way. I looked through my "exits" page and just deleted about more than half the links off my list. It's quite a shame though, that people hardly blog anymore. Or maybe they are all using private blogs, or twitter, which I'll never get. Twitter and such short messaging will never be able to express what I want to share. The word limit will be always too short. But then since such things happened, I've been feeling increasingly lonely. My reluctance to strike up meetings with others (a bit of laziness, fear of rejection and lack of time combined) resulted in some empty weekends. Like as if life in NS wasn't bland enough already. The mind craves some activities but the body doesn't really, I guess. I used to read my friend's blogs - get a glimpse and stay in the loop on what's going on with my friends, their lives etc, but now almost every page's a deleted blog or one which had accumulated probably a year of dust from the previous post. I wonder if anyone still reads this as well, guess removing my tag-board just made this place more empty. But I'll still continue irregardless, it's still important to me as a personal history.

I think I gotta start taking things more easily. I've been extremely moody during field camp the past week. I even took to scolding people for being "fucking stupid" right in front of their faces. Probably made a few enemies through that, so I think I gotta calm down and think. I mean, to be honest, it's not even such a great deal actually - to do things at their own pace, take things slowly. I talked to my brother about it and only then realised what I was becoming. One of those GGG (guys gone garang - an acronym I just created in the seconds before this) who will probably become a hated commander in the months to come after graduation. I'm afraid NS is taking over my life, and I've got to do some damage control now.

I really miss the 09S65 classmates, the other random 4E classmate I haven't seen since graduation at year four, my VJC CCA mates and even less attached groups of friends like the Creudor OGLs and more. I swear, a simple gathering alone with any of them would make a great day, because I felt like ever since I've enlisted I've only managed to keep in touch with a handful of friends, and then like sand in your hand, those you don't try to keep in grasp, those further away from the protection of you palms will slowly escape and fall through the holes between your fingers - finally leaving you with only so much to hold on to. It's time to stop procrastinating and start to plan some gatherings I guess.

I fell sick with fever today when I woke up. Must have been the lack of sleep on Thursday and the outfield exhaustion yesterday. The past two days were one of my worst in SCS so far - extremely packed outfield activities, a complete lack of sleep, and because my encik (platoon warrant officer) made me the leader platoon sergeant for the past two days, an extremely packed schedule and a load of mental stress. I would think I could have managed the responsibility, but then the unfortunate death of a specialist cadet in intelligence on Tuesday night during a navigation exercise made the HQ cancel all physical activities on Wednesday. We did our full day navigation exercise on Thursday, I slept after 2am, and then on Friday (a day we are all supposed to book-out on) we squeezed two days of activities into one. The miscommunication between the enciks themselves made things worse - on these days when activities needed to be quickly re-planned because of the Wednesday hiccup. We booked out on Friday, being literally shoved onto the bus out by our CWO at almost 11pm. I couldn't get to brief the rest on everything that was planned. All the things to prepare for before field camp next week, which starts the morning after our book-in on Tuesday this week.  I cannot stand the entire messiness of it all. I hate to do things halfway, but the schedule forced me right into it. I thought it would be enjoyable to take leadership of my peers, but then the army doesn't let you take complete leadership. Of the things I could possibly arrange, there are yet so many others who resist and have their own plans, people of higher authority. So I hated it. I fear the thought of returning back to camp on Tuesday and having to be LPS for that night and Wednesday. But I have a long weekend. I will just focus on getting well and enjoying it. I don't want to bother myself about how to say specific commands and other things military.

I spent my evening today at Chinatown, reading Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins, a sequel to The Hunger Games, which you must really read. It's been one of the only books which I've read since Harry Potter that kept my hands glued on it. I mean, ask my bunk mates and you'll understand. I'm reading it in bed, in the spare ten minutes I have to change into my smart four, and when I wake up, risking to be late for first parade. It's really interesting. And amidst all the survival techniques, hunting in the woods - quite apt for reading during NS. At some parts of the story I actually feel the character, and so much resonates with what I'm doing - all the outfield, camouflage and jungle. I can't help but feel some uncanny similarity between Katniss and the tributes being under the control of the Capitol, to us NSFs under the Army. Okay, it's not that exaggerated, but some things do resound in my head.

I took an hour to walk around Raffles Place and Chinatown today after reading, which felt good. The cool night air blowing down on my face, I can't help but remember all the times I've spent here. The many times I've studied till the Tully's staff mops the floor and packs up the cafe. The empty streets of the CBD and the closed rows of shops under the cultural preservation of the shop houses at China Square, colourful and intricate. I recall the first time I discovered the place with my cousin and my brother. I remember bringing many friends there for studying sessions - Wenxin, Suwen, Kelly, Ian, Daniel, Ivan and Alvina. And so many of the long walks I took after days which I studied alone.

I tried to think about things, about life as I always did. I used to walk around in the night to think about life a lot, to reflect back on the events surrounding my life, to plan my future ahead with big, lofty dreams, but now NS has almost taken all of it away. I didn't realise it till I tried to do the usual I did - walking around the same quiet CBD after the office workers have left for home, listening to artists like The Morning Benders, Mumford & Sons, Jack Johnson, Zee Avi and Ingrid Michaelson, seeing the same familiar buildings. But it was different. My mind's empty. All the lofty plans vanished while things in my life are becoming more and more uneventful, the past trickling away. Basically, my life has become meaningless since National Service. Last week I wrote out a list of things I could do on my weekends, because I start to fear that I'll just lose two years to NS, just like that, but the list comes out to be extremely vague. Things like learning the ukulele and painting which I know I'll hardly ever start on. In a snap, two youthful years taken away from me. What I'm most afraid of is that I'll no longer be the same, no longer thinking, reflecting, losing my ideas of the future and creativity. I'm not even sketching anymore. I'm just hoping things would settle down soon, settle into something more routine perhaps, so I could get time and no longer while it away in NS like that.

emails: chew.bolong.2009@vjc.sg (main) / bolong02@hotmail.com (dominated by junk mail)
facebook: http://www.facebook.com/bolong
mobile phone: yeah you wish.